Day 1 (April 4th 2022)

Today was hard one. The wealth of emotions has proven almost entirely overwhelming. The constant river of excitement, fear, anticipation, dread, worry, joy, and eagerness previously dammed by months of waiting and delay has broken. All of the emotions, many of which I was unaware of, are washing through me with vigor. Tumbling and turbulent I find any shreds of a single feeling to cling to like a drowning man. I hold to it whatever it may be just to simplify my situation. The other feelings still come. This is proving to be the hardest thing I’ve ever faced emotionally and I hope that it proves to be worthwhile.

Seven months of traveling, enjoying, and finding myself but accomplishing little to nothing has me second guessing the life I’ve chosen. I think to much about limping back to a forty hour work week and the calm, stable, monotonous life that it provides. It seems like I’ve searched for so long for something I would love an enjoy. Now having found it and knowing that I do love it, facing the realities of everything seems an insurmountable challenge. I know this will work out, one way or another. I know I’m finally on the right path. I know I would be okay. It feels like everything is coming apart around me and life will catch up to me at any moment.

For now I have camped in Water Canyon outside of Winnemucca Nevada. I meditated to clear my head and took a very short hike with Lucy in the frost filled air. Spring has never seemed so cold as it does now in the mountains, both literally and literally. Tomorrow, I film and travel and head toward Elko Nevada. I hope to stay in a ghost town nearby and prove that I am being productive on this new life I wish to forge. From there, I will travel to Bonneville Salt Flats and then to Salt Lake City to visit an old friend and amazing person. Perhaps the turbulence will calm and I will find my feet again.